A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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