guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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