i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
