just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
