Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
