I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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