You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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