God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
