Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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