Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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