Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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