so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
