I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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