Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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