he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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