the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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