He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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