I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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