I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
