If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
