Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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