weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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