Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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