So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
