You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
