if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
