Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
