In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
