Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
