he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
