MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
