I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
