i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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