the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
