you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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