I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
