I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
