The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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