I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So squirting runs in the family.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
