I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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