I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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