He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
