Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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