I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
