Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The power of my boobs compel you
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
