I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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