i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
