Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
