Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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