u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
